In times of trouble, you help by just showing up

When personal disaster strikes a loved one, we yearn to help.  Seeing that person in pain hurts us, and we naturally want to "fix" the problem.  Yet rescuing a friend from unhappiness, confusion, and grief may not be the best idea, even if we could pull it off.  

When bad things happen, feeling sad and angry is a natural response.  Healthy, even.  Denying the suffering may only intensify the pain and delay healing.  

So how can we help?   Here are some ways to befriend someone in crisis:

1. Be there.  Listen with your eyes and heart, as well as your ears.

2. Be accepting.  Absorb information.  Be open and non-judgmental, avoiding advice and editorial. 

3. Be comforting.  Feelings aren't good or bad, right or wrong - they simply are.  Be generous with support, stingy with judgments. 

4. Be honest.  How can you expect someone else to share their pain, if you hide your own?

5. Be bold.  Don't worry about doing or saying the wrong thing.  Expect to feel awkward, expect to make mistakes.  Perfection isn't required - only caring.

6. Be proactive.  Take the initiative, rather than hanging back.

7. Be resourceful.  Admit ignorance and seek knowledge. You won't have all the answers, but you can look for them.

8. Be compassionate.  Empathize.  At the same time, realize that your friend is not you and will not react exactly as you would.  That's okay.

9. Be giving.  Be generous of your time and attention.  

10. Be patient.  Healing often happens slowly.  Following the initial crisis, it's natural to wish to move on.  However, now is likely when your friend needs you most. Stay the course.